She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
she just punched a dude and called him a peasant for not drinking fast enough in flip cup.
EARTHQUAKE STATUS DRINKING GAME
I give him a gold star every time I orgasm. His room looks like he's freaking King Midas.
i was gonna do a lot worse than just throw cat food on you while you were passed out, but then you sleep vomited and i felt a little bad
Bro she gave me the stare. It's like she boned me with her eyes. I'm going in.
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
That basically sounds like the worst party of my life, and I'm including my brother's World of Warcraft themed birthday party.
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
Considering what happened last night and how horrible I feel, I look amazing
I’m doing some soul searching to figure out how much of a slut I’m going to be the rest of the summer.
Randomize
