I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
if pee wee herman would have taken a snuggie to the movies he wouldnt have gotten caught
we just did breakfast shots, I have a black eye and savage garden is on . Best weekend ever
the ladder is at the bottom of the pool
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
This is the third time that ive slept with him. He bought me more milk. I can feel the romance growing.
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
Just got road head. In broad daylight. On the interstate. During rush hour. Pushing the envelope one public bj at a time.
Seriously I can't get a booty call for some baked goods.
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
I was left to my own devices with nothing to do but drink
Randomize
