first missing my period. then crying at the clinic... but why?
we had sex 3 months ago. you missed your period 2 weeks ago. but nice try.
About to do something stupid. You'll be my call. Bring bail money.
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
and that's why he's hiding in the taco suit
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
Gosh I haven't been pantsless in front of anyone for a while. It's time for me to pick up my game. We need a party. I need some rum.
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
started my period, we have to try again next week
if we have anymore sex before that my dick is gonna fall off. that is in no way a complaint
Hey in a lighter note I also nutted in that cheerleader too if she got prego there would have been a team reunion on Maury
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
Idk what I'm more afraid of...checking my bank account or my STD results.
Whenever I have a bad day I just look at the negetive pregnancy test I keep in my purse and remind myself things could be alot worse.
Randomize
