dude, you're being a jerk.
sorry, didn't mean to pull a Cheney
How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
after a few more beers I realized that both my wife and I like Latin men.
Whoever said that a man can only cum up to 8 times a day is a fucking liar...or was never on adderall
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
I have no idea. I woke up naked on someones toilet locked in the bathroom with two baby kittens.
He can spot Burberry from half a bar away. He's not into vag
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
She pinched my nipples too hard I THINK THEYRE GONE
I TOLD YOU ABOUT GOTH CHICKS BRO. I WARNED YOU
Soo I'm in the trunk of a car drunk about to jump on trampolines. My life rocks!
Randomize
