Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
apparently i traded the tiffany necklace my mom bought me for 2 shots and next in line for beer pong at the frat.
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
YOU RECOMMENDED ME TO THIS GIRL BECAUSE SHES A STRIPPER AND YOU KNOW MY WEAKNESS FOR STRIPPERS WITH CHILDREN.
apparently it's a turnoff if you ask a guy why he thinks he needs to use magnums
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
Fuck edible panties there is a dress made out of bacon
She's running around the streets punching people and narrating. I don't know whether to laugh or stop her
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
That’s talent right there. Maverick and Goose type shit.
Shotgunning beers in the shower. Mom would be proud.
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
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