im ready to get crazy and take my wig off
eh.. i should've known it was headed downhill after he used the phrase "pussy sundae"
Why is there a shirtless guy in Walgreens and why is he probably looking for the same thing I am?
You guys seriously fuck to bieber? That's embarrassing...
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
I can now tell my grandchildren Central Park has really great spots for quickies...
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
The guy got mobbed on, all hell broke loose. About 20 cops showed up, and this kid somehow convinced a cop that letting him pee in front of him is justifiable. This guy could sweet talk Hellen Keller, he was THAT good
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
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