An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
Ok I might come if this chair quits being so great...I'm also seeing this bush in the corner turn into a witch
she said shes getting her period tomorrow so she wants to have sex now. i didnt object. it would have been heartless.
ofcourse you didnt.
Emergency need house key where r u I just got shit o n
Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
then he tried to convert me to islam
Chugged a beer while being walked to the bathroom by campus police to pour the beers out.
He was pretty wasted I guess, but the crippled guy threw the first punch it was awesome
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
I'm sure as hell not getting hoodwinked into going back to rehab again
He hit me with his bagpipe
Isnt that against the lesbian handbook?
Yeah, we got drunk and stole road signs.
Randomize
