Reminder- he's a douche bag. A big one.
Getting up at 8 this morning to drink could be the best and the worst idea we've ever had
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
I don't care what you say, cheap wine does NOT taste better in expensive crystal...
the only time i'm productive on weed is when i drink.
I love having a vagina, its like having the keys to a city
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
but it was less of a make out and more of a goodnight kiss as a "thanks for giving our drunk asses a ride home and sorry we called your bar the worst bar in LA"
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
My boobs are too perky to pay that much for a car
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
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