how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
Just took career test that listed librarian and bartender as top career choices. Fascinating.
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
Was it just me or did you also find it awkward when "glad you came" started playing on pandora right after you finished?
I broke a glass at the bar and ended up with blood on my forehead. I apparently kept screaming BLOOD like the little boy in that YouTube video.
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
Well, we ended up labeling the relationship. We are now each other's designated butt-toucher.
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
She squirted. We were both surprised. I'm that good.
I took out a life ins. policy Thursday. It's okay I can die in Nashville now.
tonight...tonight im having sex in honor of you
Randomize
