Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
well that's the third time this semester that I've projectile vomited walking to class in front of dozens of people
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
I decided to have a date tonight. Back on horse I go. Or aiming to be on a horse cock one day. You know. However that metaphor goes.
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.
you started putting peanut butter on your pubes.
Why don’t they have healthy alcohol yet?
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
If you survived your 72 hour masturbation marathon put on some pants and come over. My mom dropped off a lasagna.
Randomize
