My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
Its not small because its small, Its small because it was cold outside
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
you were drinking a pitcher of what you called "16 loko" and making everybody guess what the secret ingredient was
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
I hereby state that I am over the age of 18. If I am not of age to purchase or consume alcohol products, I hereby acknowledge that I have not received any alcohol products from said party host. Also, in the event of injury or death, said party host is not to be held accountable. Please reply with your full name and today's date for your e-signature". *note: no text, no entry.*
Sorry bro, just a precaution. You know, ever since the "Jake incident". What a douche.
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
Ugh, once again I had to block the view of him peeing off the hotel bar balcony, I earned those free drinks!
Would I do it again? Probably not but still,I don't regret a single ratchet thing I've done in college.
just saw two mice fucking on our bed...i think its time to find a new place to live
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
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