True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
I just had a 2 1/2 hr conversation about the pros and cons of taping your ballsack to your taint, which then led into the unveilling of lady gaga being a hermaphrodite.
he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
dude 8 am is too early to start pregaming for new years eve
clearly you are not from wisconsin
You'll be proud of me
Who did you not have sex with
Damn it...you know me too well
I almost masterbated to the avatar love scene ha it was so hot
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
As you were leaving you yelled at the owners that the stairs weren't suitable for "intoxacapated" people and promptly fell down them.
So I WAS right.
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
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