Just tried to tap morse code on the wall seperating our beds to tell you I was awake and ready to smoke
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
before the moonshine you were already braiding the bouncers beard -_-
I still think he fell and scraped his elbow and lost his credit card buying 8 hot chocolates for hobos
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
How do you keep manipulating these men into helping you?
I'm a massage therapist with an oral fixation. It's not nearly as hard as you make it out to be.
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
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