Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker.
Just remembered when I bought that round of shots I told the girls to "get their whore friend" who was making out with her bf instead of drinking. I don't know why they stayed.
I'd like to say yes, but I nearly lost my shit when I assumed there was no back to my house. I am not strong enough for hallucinations.
I'm just sad for you. It sucks that the 17 douchebag asshole guys you're fucking can't morph into one nice, normal, non-alcoholic guy that has a drivers license and no criminal history.
I know how to make vodka btw in case you want to come over and do a science project
Can I bring some rope too? It's not too early for bondage talk, is it?
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
Is it bad that I've been making new friends through your vagina networking? I don't think so
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
You popped the Plan B pill then clapped twice, said "mischief managed" and headed tward the bar.
5 minutes Isn't even long enough to bring me even close to an orgasm. How selfish. Think about baseball and fuck me you idiot.
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
don't think less of me for this, but i'm pretty sure he did a line off my boob last night.
Randomize
