I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
why am i naked
you took off your clothes at the party and some guy took them home
thankfully we both ride of shamed home together on razor scooters in dresses because we stopped for breakfast sandwiches too
He wore socks while I was giving him head. I couldn't even focus on his penis because of the socks.
Yeah but the jokes on her right? We just got a new couch and hers still has a cum stain on it from like six months ago
You are now at the point where people no longer question whether or not you might be on drugs. They now know for certain that you are
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
she glued two packs of googly eyes on you while you were blacked out. We talked her out of using her hot glue gun.
ummmm thanks
Randomize
