I like how she turned her beer into a wet t-shirt contest
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
I just got a bj @ my old preschool...my childhood memories r all ruined
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
all I know is he gave me a Cialis and tried to take me home.
No one intentionally makes bad decisions, just errors in judgement. You have your boyfriend I have a restraining order from universal studios. It's all relative
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
stop fucking thinking about him when there is A MILLION OTHER PENISES TO RIDE IN THE WORLD
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
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