i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
Paris has not been good for her. Everytime she has a one night stand from a different country, she buys a mini flag and tapes it to her wall with the others
And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about
Ramen still too hot to eat. Eating it anyway. Stoner girls feel no pain
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
His name is Angel. I'm pretty sure he was sent from heaven solely to eat me out.
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
I cannot, in good conscience, let you talk to a guy who wears Chaps and a knit beanie
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
Everyone in Columbus is two degrees of separation from my vagina.
Randomize
