I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
So bad night, ended up beating off to porn and eating Keebler elf cookies.... at the same time :-(
i'm going to be honest, my vagina smells.
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
I think I threw my underwear away at What-A-Burger last night.
Please hurry up and come back. This is so awkward. He's showing me banana videos.
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
Stop touching yourself.
Wtf!?!?!?! Did you install a camera???
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
Randomize
