So my mouth tastes like dick. Does that explain how our talk went?
He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
Dude, you face planted, there was no "bar fight".
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
It looks like someone bombed the living room with his and your clothes, bra, packing peanuts, nerf gun and ammo, rc helicopter, leftover chinese food and a leather paddle.
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
IM WEARING A FLAG
So that's a no to the clothes then
FLAG
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
Has anyone ever blacked out at an art show your dad brought you to?
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
Randomize
