final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
I think a girl on my floor is watching zombie porn. There is literally no other description for the noise coming from her room.
I had a dream he was standing in front of me naked and flexing while yelling VICTORY and gizzing all over the floor.
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
he looks like the poster child for myspace how the hell does he have other hoes?
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
Randomize
