your head's too prwtty to be stuck in the books
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
we sixty- nined on a tennis court.. not even drunk. you say insane. i say creative genius.
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
once you have herpes you dont really care what goes in your mouth anymore.
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
Good thing he's hot and my vagina likes him or I'd be at Dennys right now.
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
Randomize
