Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
I woke up to a shot of jager next to my face. I felt bad for it so i drank it
get ready to load up the weird cannon and blow a load of buck-wildness all over the place people
he attacked my vagina with the force of a thousand suns
How did "late lunch" turn into 8 solid hours of drinking??? I feel like death.
Drinking loves me for WHO I am
whats our policy on dating high schoolers?
we dont have a policy but im pretty sure the state of michigan does
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
You ran through a field yelling "I'm frolicking! I'm frolicking!" Then fell on your face. How is your nose today, doll?
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
He told me he sees me like a sister then 10 mins later tried to make out with me.
I left my parents and ran through the airport. I was like I'm not getting stuck in Atlanta tonight and not having sex.
Randomize
