you turned on the Care Bears movie at 5am and kept screaming "I CARE"
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
He deserves to hear about your Vagina Shrooms
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
BTW, it's bullshit to say that not doing a shot is unpatriotic. You know how I fall for that.
I feel like it'll be a success as long as she doesn't end up dead in a ditch. There has to be a line somewhere.
There's always a certain something about a day that begins with your panties in your purse.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
Do u have any idea how hard it is to masturbate in a CVS bathroom when your name is being called over the speakers to pick up a prescription for painkillers?
Are ropes allowed in during conjugals?
He's getting so into these sexts, I hate to tell him I'm fully clothes, watching Bring It On and eating chips and salsa.
I had to ask her to let go of my cock this morning so I could go home. She just kept saying "no, please, no..."
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
Randomize
