i miss vodka and anonymity. college is so rich in both. in college we are a many armed creature, lubricated with beer and sex.
and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
He left the bathroom door open so i would hear him masturbate in the shower to make me feel guilty for not putting out but it just turned me on cause i like guys masturbating. weird?
When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
HOW DID U BEAT A GAY GUY IN GAY CHICKEN?
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.
I am drunk please bring Taco Bell and sex
Never mind I found pizza just bring sex
I know it was a good night because I got a lecture from my roommates mom about stranger danger
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
I told him I lived in the apartment beside his brother and he said "oh, you're the girl that watches really loud porn!"
He only has one ball. it was like fucking a cyclops.
My drug dealer just told me goodnight...I still don't know his name. But I guess you can say we've moved to the next step.
Randomize
