I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
just put cider in my bong. gotta love fall
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
would it be subtle enough if I played birthday sex on repeat while I may or may not be stripping?
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
Someone just got pizza delivered to the liquor store.
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
It was all like "my feathers evolved from scales of a reptile bitches!!" and I was all like "damn this chocolate milk is AWW SOOME!"
I wish I got tanner on friday but I feel like I spent most of my time puking in the bathroom. I love my life
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