and by charming I mean he has a horse cock.
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
I officially lit my glove on fire while lighting the bong. Winter needs to end.
So was I the only one that was competing in the whale hunt?
i think smoking weed in a ladies bathroom on the beach with two dudes might be the shadiest thing ive done in a while
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
I have tan lines from my nipple rings.
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
Bacardi 151 is like a past nightmare I'm still curious about
I feel like my vagina was just in a fistfight.
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
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