I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
this boner is exhausting
She uses empty wine bottles as book ends. 2 on each side. At least 8 shelves.
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
He's nice to look at and knows the difference between your and you're. I win.
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
Randomize
