Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
Still burping lighter fluid. Totally awful.
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
I guess the study abroad went badly, I gave him a joint and he just smoked it and cried all the way from the airport
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
Nope. Flying out tonight. Staying with my great aunt who is an ex nun turned hostel owner. Best and likely most dangerous St. Patty's Day to commence in 10 hours. IRELAND!
Be safe. And I hate you.
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
HE GAVE ME ONE OF HIS BEERS.
YOU'RE THE CHOSEN ONE.
is that a sigh of girlish delight, or "sigh...I'm having a herpes outbreak'
Can't it be both?
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
Randomize
