Its not alright that i make out with a manican.
I woke up with a picture of my dick as my background. still wondering if it was a good night or not.
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
Her boobs more than make up for all the flaws with her personality.
my fake id says im a 34 yr old russian lady ... how is this working
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
The entire defensive line took care if me when I passed out. One of them even held my hair when I puked and the other carried me upstairs to bed. God I love football so much more now
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
Anyway, all that to say that tiny penises are a hassle.
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
He kept referring to my giving him head as a new level in our relationship and acting sentimental
You gave him a bj, not a kidney
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
Randomize
