you have to choose: penises or morals?
FB needs to have a relationship status called...screwing my roommates bf..linking their names would be an easier to tell her!
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
God my Facebook chat is a graveyard of old blowjobz
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
They won't let us do straight shots of 151 since that guy lit his face on fire.
I punted my pants across my apt at my roommate last night. Everything else is kinda fuzzy.
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
Friday is the holy day of drinking. Thou shalt observe the Sabbath. It's in the bible. Look it up bitch.
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
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