true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
2000 dollars has been put in for bail money. Also we're signing contracts
hotdog in my bra and i still managed to score. Got a bit freaked when he tried to eat it though. I paid 3 bucks for that fucking hotdog.
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
You know, part of me wants to die and the other part of me doesn't want to live
She had a belly button piercing in the shape of a cross. Talk about mixed messages.
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
Its just akward. Everytime he tells me he loves me, I have to respond with, I love having sex with you. and he just stares at me in amazement
Hey mike is locked out, sleeping on the common room couch, no idea where his pants are nor does he know where he is. When you get this let him in? And let me know ur alive too!
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