I smoked weed with pregnant girl. I'm going to hell.
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
Don't remember shit. It was only until I saw the glaze on my forearm that I knew you drove to get donuts last night. I also spent 20$ there apparently
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
I just hit the bong during the whole bday song then blew the candles out with my exhale.
I didn't realize how drunk I was until my vagina was in the snow.
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
sooo the guy I beat last night in strip pong is the manager's husband at my new job...
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
the funny thing was, all i remember was a liter of vodka and going to oneonta for the night. then 2 weeks later bam, i get a letter banning me from campus for the next 4 years. awesome convorsation with my dad to wake up to.
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
Randomize
