I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
sometimes I think that if I just met him. he would have a crazy realization and fall madly in love with me. what do you say? I'm not just another fan.
dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
I feel a bullet train of disappointment headed in your direction.
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
Abby spilt her vodka all over the train's bathroom floor
WE'RE THE ONES DRESSED UP FOR THE LARGEST DRINKING HOLIDAY IN AMERICA WHO ELSE ON THIS TRAIN IS A SUSPECT FOR THIS SMELL?!
dude, my hangover is telling me there was tequila involved
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
We told you to act sober so to prepare yourself you started doing squats and stretching then you slapped yourself and walked in
Never has jello made me angry to the point of drinking. But here I am.
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
You ran outside mistaken the snow for sand and started screaming "WHERES TH BEACH"
Randomize
