I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
Is it bad to get into the ocean at night? i always thought sharks hated the smell of vomit after drinking
Someone fucked up, the stop Kony day is on 4/20,
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
Can you plz delete the video of me twerking in Waffle House, my mom just got a vine.
well he never texted me back and the pizza I took my rage out didn't deserve such malice
The hint wasn't even a hint. it said "stop talking to her" that's pretty straightforward
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
currently working on a look that screams, "I'm dead inside, but still trying to enjoy the ride"
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
