I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
Im positive, your name was on my abdomen, Im pretty sure thats solid evidence
It's official, I need to start putting my vagina's needs before my own.
It wasn't like a party or anything. They played PlayStation and talked about sports. Then I threw up on his porch.
a pizza costume came into my possession last night. needless to say i showed up to his house wearing only the pizza, shouting "delivery" into his window.
At least one of us had a weekend full of money and dick
MORE IMPORTANTLY I THINK I JUST WATCHED SOMEONE GET SO LONELY AS TO TURN BISEXUAL??
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
I came so hard I went blind for a few seconds.
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
I forgot to bring soap and all I could find here was body wash. It's like bathing with laundry detergent.
Hey long story short Grandma needs bail money.
Randomize
