I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
Please don't use social media to get back at me.
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
i’m not very adjusted to having free time. for example, I forgot how much fun it is to masturbate.
Finally another gay clarinet player. They're surprisingly rare.
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
There's hope in those eyes, for a better tomorrow or more cocaine, we may never know, but there's hope.
i had to call him over, it was my last chance at getting some tonight
HE HAS A RESTRAINING ORDER AGAINST U!!!
it expires tomorrow
gave out my moms phone number instead of mine last night... thattttttttttttttt dunk.
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
Randomize
