This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
Just saw the true definition of the muffin top and camel toe all on one person at the DC zoo... Tried to take a pic but she got away..
You're such a slut.
I prefer opportunist.
So the weirdest part of it all was he whispered in my ear "can i eat you out on your tredmill?" I dont find him attractive at all anymore
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
Orgasms and cereal.... that's what life's about.
I wore the clothes I got arrested in last night to work today.....there is no where but up from here!
You can't go around chasing people and screaming JUST LET ME LOVE YOU. We're in a public place.
There is a dude with blue hair and a samurai sword and another dude dressed as Dead Pool. I daresay standard social conventions are not applicable in this environment.
His face will be in my vagina later so I'm willing to forgive.
Randomize
