jersey shore has given me a vivid depiction of what things will be like for me once i get to hell
doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine
all of your clothes are in the front law. btw..sprinklers go on in 20 minutes
Careful when you walk in I'm laying by the door.
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
The chips are stabbing my teeth, and I can feel the muscle under my mouth contracting.
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
im drinking out of a pineapple, so yea.
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
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