I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
I took a pregnancy test at Pancheros a bit ago.
Going to give your dick a friendship bracelet.
I'm always down for nudity.
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
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