apparently the secret to your success is patron
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
Just drive me around campus, I will be able to smell their innocence.
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
When he grabbed my tits it felt like he was either giving me a mammogram or trying to pierce my nipples with his fingers.
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
I DON'T EVEN KNOW ONE MINUTE IM SITTING HER THE NEXT IM FLYING PASSED THE MOON
PISSING MYSELF IN ZERO GRAVITY
THOSE AIN'T STARS U SEE TONIGHT GURL
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
Just saw a girl I banged wearing a pro life shirt downtown. Not sure where to start with that.
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
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