For the whole 7 seconds I lasted, I was in heaven.
Googled "can you put dry ice in your drink?" I'm safee
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
Not even desperate vagina wants small cock.
Glad to hear you raised your standards
Let me put it this way - if I had a list of things I would like between my legs, she would rank below the cello I turned into firewood sophomore year.
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
Woke up naked next to Alex and he was braiding my hair and then commented on how healthy my hair was. I don't even know anymore..
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
If you send me one more .gif of that fumble, I will make the 10 hour drive just to set you on fire.
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
