i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
we just got in the car and birthday sex is playing
that is a sign the 3 of us should have a threesome
we agree. completely
Hey baby girl when you gonna let my tongue get up in that ass like i'm an explorer trying to go deep under on a quest for the lost city of atlantis
your text was fucking rediculious. Will let you eat my asshole though.
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
I feel a bullet train of disappointment headed in your direction.
She was kinda cute. So long as you don't mind neck tattoos and bad life choices.
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
I have no concept of chastity or moderation, she is a Catholic guilt poster child, how could I not try to hit that
How do you ask the man who gives you multiple orgasms if he has friends who could do the same for your friend?
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
she glued two packs of googly eyes on you while you were blacked out. We talked her out of using her hot glue gun.
ummmm thanks
Randomize
