Well. Nothing came of that. And to think I manscaped and dusted with gold bond.
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
why is there a broken handcuff locked to the ceiling fan
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
she's an english major so her sexts are something i look forward to
Being single/not living at home sucks. All I want is someone I can force to pick up my pizza for me so I don't have to talk to anyone.
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
That was the first time ive ever slept with a girl with a q in her name
i have officially smoked myself stupid. went to wally world to buy soap and toothpaste but got 4 potpies and 2 dessert pies instead. fail.
Randomize
