I wanna crawl in your skin and have dreams about Bobby Kennedy tonight.
I got my half for the rent already.I called the cops on the drug dealer neighbor and got a 500 bucks as a reward
The brown eye won't let me do that either.
You lit the bowl with a rolled up paper towel that you ignited on the stove.
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
Your brother just walked into my room, pissed drunk and butt naked, got into my bed and fell asleep. In knowing I am gay, you have one hour to deal with him before I do
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
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