i've counted 4 condom wrappers but only 3 condoms. not again.
hickory dickory dock, please dont tell me about your cock
The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
I'm dressed like a deranged cupcake. Let's get fucked up.
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
he attacked my vagina with the force of a thousand suns
I'm sending midget strippers dressed as bull fighters with mini bottles of 1800 to your house. Already made the call. Jer is going halves on it. Can't be stopped! Won't be stopped!
And he listens to me when I talk to him like the hulk.
video games take priority over anything else you can offer me.
Well I just saw a fully naked man doing a headstand in a cooler of ice water.
Help. Why am I so naked?
Quick question. If you break the bathroom sink off the wall from fucking on it, can you claim it on your homeowner's insurance as a 'natural disaster'?
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