Hands down the best time I've ever had barfing.
I caved and texted him. But it's strictly drug dealing business so it doesn't count.
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
i chased bacardi with meat sauce last night
It's like his dick is pushing through his pants and driving him over here.
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
You better fuck one or both of those bitches and bring me pictures that will make me uncomfortable
I can do at least one of those things.
You take your time. Wallowing in last nights filth is the best way to get over a hangover
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
Randomize
