Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
Her life has all the ingredients for a how to book: Making Your Life an Epic Fail
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
Tonights theme there is the 7 deadly sins. Greed, envy, sloth, gluttony, sluttiness, fellatio and vodka.
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
I apologize for tapping your ass. It was a friendly tap. Like Casper. Ya know
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
My goal is to be drunk before we even get out of the No Wake Zone.
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
Currently watching high school football on ESPN. Drink every time they say 'this kid's got potential' or 'look at this kid go' or 'atta kid' We're done for..
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
Randomize
