If you could channel this insane talent for stalking you'd be a great weapon for this country. If you had a crush on Bin Ladin, guaranteed he'd be found, monitered and tagged within five days.
just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
We've started doing pot butter shots. WHY AREN'T U HERE
Totally just projectile vomited while ridind a bicycle.
He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.
I gave him head and we watched Fashion Police. somehow it wasn't awkard.
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
I have full custody of my vagina however you are granted visiting hours
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
Well let me fuck you while I make potatoes. It's every girls dream
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
Randomize
