Thanks again for letting me crash last nite. Sorry I banged your little brother.
Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
At least I look tastefully trashed. My nipples are hidden and I'm standing up.
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
CyberMonday=Bulk Condom Shopping For 2018
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
Randomize
