Ducking stuck downtown...all the fuxkig roads are blixkded
I don't know where I am but there are firefighters
You guys need to stop introducing me as "the girl you shared"
my advisor is telling us the best way to sneak in alcohol on move in day. I definately picked the right college
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
Dude this weed smells so good they should make it into a Vicks vapor rub scent and I would rub it all over myself.
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
My heart says buy the granny panties, but my vagina says don't throw in the towel yet.
He was telling me about how he's leaving on his Mission next week... While we were having sex in the back of his car.
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
Randomize
